Cry Me a 2-Bit Musical

8.30am I woke up, had a cup of tea and flicked through the Fringe Guide for the 20th time this week- are my eyes deceiving me? No there really is this much SHIT on at the festival. I then had a bowl of Special K with sliced banana on top, this cheered me up.

10am In the space of an hour and a half I have developed a cold- my head is pounding and my throat is sore. How sodding typical! Nobody is awake yet to hear me whinge! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

10.30am Becky is up! hoorah! I spare her my tale of woe for now, but fear not- this will brew up to be a storm!

Midday We have a company meeting about the show. We acknowledge that we are all extremely poor. A black cloud came through the window, hovered above our heads whilst 2 cherubs stopped playing their harps and pissed in our faces.

3.45pm We perform the show to an audience of about 10 people. This was a better number than we had expected- Marina and I were near certain we would have an empty theatre especially due to all this fierce competition- how did we ever think the likes of us could contend with ‘Hollyoaks: The Musical’ or whatever the fucking shitting hell else is on. (please note that there is not a Hollyoaks Musical up here…yet!)

4.45pm We finish the show. I felt it was a good run today. I feel a bit happier…until. Until, I discover a fat woman fell asleep during our show. I can’t take much more of this! I burst out crying - my emotions are all over the place! I don’t understand what is going on in the world?! why is everything dumbing down?! I should have dropped my knickers and flashed my vag at her whilst singing the hits of Cliff Richard. I reckon she would have enjoyed that. I should mention that we had a group hug whilst emotions ran high.

5pm We all go for a much deserved cocktail then head off to the radio station and plug our show and sing a little bit of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.  I bet some idiots think that song is in our show even though we make clear that The Spoils is not a cabaret. Shame it’s not though as we would be rich.

6.30pm We head for the Royal Mile - postering and flyering along the way- singing army chants to grab attention. Let’s hope people start seeing sense and come see the show. As my boyfriend Ben so rightly put, the cream always rises to the top. But i fear we are sitting in a bowl full of soya milk.

Polly